


Roommates Mini 5: Let Me Tell You About Humans

by Pokemaniacal, TGWeaver



Series: Roommates: Complete Memoirs [6]
Category: Five Nights at Freddy's
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 04:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11502195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokemaniacal/pseuds/Pokemaniacal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGWeaver/pseuds/TGWeaver
Summary: OH MY GOSH, THEY'RE JUST SO COOL OKAYYOU DON'T EVEN KNOWHAVE YOU SEENLEGEND OF BOB?





	Roommates Mini 5: Let Me Tell You About Humans

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Mini -- a relevant "side story" for _[Roommates: Memoirs of the Hairless Ape](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11250126/)_.  
>  This chapter can be read on its own, but it's recommended you read it in sequence with the main story.  
> Chronologically, this Mini comes immediately after [Roommates Mini 4: Nurse Cheeky](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11502162).

So you want to know how I first got into humans and that kind of stuff, huh? Man, I hate to break it to you, but it's not like there was some super emotional turning point in my life where I decided "hey, I'm obsessed with humans now". It's not even like it's a boring story -- there's just no story to it at all.

Truth is, ever since I was a little blue puffball, I thought humans were awesome. My parents have been saying "it's just a phase" since elementary school.

Sorry to disappoint! How about I make it up to you? Instead, I'll tell you **why** I'm a humie, which I think makes for a much more interesting conversation.

Look, like, everybody with a brain knows humans don't exist. I'm not delusional or crazy or anything like that, I **know** humans aren't real. Sure, I've met some darn convincing cosplayers, but that's as close as it comes. And when it comes to convincing cosplayers, man, Mike is easily the best of them all. Sure, he _claims_ he doesn't even have to try, but personally I think that's a load of crap. His attention to detail is incredible. It makes the feverish little six-year-old kit in me _want_ to believe humans are real, but the mature, boring, responsible adult side of me says it's just due to his whole fur disease or mange situation or whatever.

What a problem to have, though! Mike's skin is so freakin' soft. I mean, seriously, if you could just feel this guy. I could rub him for hours.

Uh, not sexually, though. 

Well yeah, okay, _maybe_ sexually. Don't judge me! I haven't thought too much about it, but honestly Mike's absolutely my type. He hits all my preferences -- for one, he isn't freakishly huge, and that's a dealmaker for me since bunnies tend to swing towards the smaller end of the mammal spectrum. (Bonworth's kind of a rare exception, and even that's partially due to his prosthetics.)

And because we rabbits can't help being short, if I want a guy that looks like he could pass for a human, he's probably gonna end up being some gorilla twice my size. Mike's barely taller than me. (Even then, I've got him beat if we count my ears.) And, as I mentioned, his skin's really soft. Like... pizza dough soft. 

Also, he's got a really easygoing personality, and he's trying his hardest to fit in around here. Most of the guys in our neck of the woods either keep to themselves or are constantly grumpy. For instance, I'm **still** waiting for Mr. Fazbear to apologize for calling me a "bimbo" three years ago, whereas Mike _accidentally_ implied Cheeky was ugly and he was over there immediately grovelling with a cake he'd baked for her. If someone like Cheeky can wrap him around her wingtip that easily, I like my chances.

Besides all that, I've heard the stories about Mike. Chiclet seems all right with him, and she's a really good judge of character. I don't think she would have _ever_ opened her door to him if Marion hadn't given her a glowing report first. He's really agreeable, and if what Foxglove says is true, he's got a nice ass. Heck, I'm still negotiating for better pictures, but that chiseler of a fox is gonna force me to start dipping into my HumieCon fund. Please, if you see him, _don't_ tell Mike he's about to become an internet celebrity -- I don't think he'd handle it well.

 

Uh, well, shoot... now I feel kinda guilty.

 

So! Speaking of HumieCon and Mike, I'm headed there next month with him and Beanie! We've already recruited Foxglove for assistance with his costume (I was assured "measurements weren't going to be a problem") and Mango's working on some of the more crafty stuff, like the arm belts and the fake tech. It's a shame those two don't get along so well together, because they could rake in a _fortune_ doing custom-order cosplay stuff. There's a huge market for it -- you see ads all over SkinAffinity. I _guarantee_ Foxglove could make a lot more cash selling costume pieces than scarves and knit caps.

Whoa, did I _ever_ get rabbit-trailed. You wanted to know about why I'm into humans or something, right? I think they're cool partly because they're just completely impossible. 

Look, you can grow up to be whatever you want, or at least you've got a chance of making it happen. You can be a firefighter, an astronaut, a famous athlete -- just about any job you can dream up, assuming circumstances work out in your favor. You can get lots of money or become famous, you can be super-talented or super-smart, but none of it's going to make you into something that doesn't even **exist.** The very best cosmetic surgeons and laser fur removal doctors in the world ain't gonna make me look like one of the characters from _Legend of Bob_ or _Human Rider X_ no matter how freaking rich I am. 

I guess that's good, because stamping paws and cleaning barf outta the ball pit at the arcade downtown pays jack and squat, and the tax man has dibs on all of my squat.

What I'm trying to say is that we _know_ what our ceiling is, and humans are so many miles above and beyond that ceiling _because_ they aren't real. I'd have an easier time trying to shoot lasers out of my eyes than I would becoming a human. But because they're so far out of reach, I think that makes them all the more interesting. I can only speculate what their lives would be like. 

Do humans have big disagreements in their human societies over things like subspecies and fur and skin colors? (I say probably not, because that'd just be stupid and way too similar to reality. They're a super-evolved race, after all.) 

What do they eat? A special diet, or do they eat meat like we do? (I shouldn't, but every now and again I get a craving for beef, and I exercise and eat enough vegetables that it probably doesn't matter.)

Can they chew gum and walk at the same time? (Literally impossible. I've tried, you've tried, nobody can do it.)

Maybe the best part of it all is that I can meet and talk with other people who get where I'm coming from. Like, yeah, I'd do a human dude, get off my back about it. I don't think there's any shame in saying that! I won't ever get the chance, though, so it's just a fantasy -- but it's my fantasy, and it's also the fantasy of tons of other girls and guys just like me. The thought of having my feet and ears massaged with human fingers drives me absolutely wild -- and I mean **real** human fingers and not that weird motorized latex toy I bought online from overseas. Ugh. Damn thing was so loud, Goose and Peanut came running to check me in the middle of the night.

Boy, _that_ was an embarrassing couple of days (not to mention a complete waste of half a month's pay). Stupid piece of crap has since been put to better use as a bookend for my aerobics tapes.

Look, I could go on and on about a lot of the more superficial reasons I'm a humie, but I think I've more or less covered the gist of it. They're wild, impossible, funny, sexy creatures -- but hey, it's cool if you don't feel the same way. 

No skin off my buck teeth.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're following the _Roommates_ story in order, you can [click here for the next part, **Chapter 26: The Restaurant**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11250126/chapters/25841136)


End file.
